Adventures in the ghetto

Knight in Shining Armor, where are you when I need you? I mean, i've been very patient. I have waited for you for 22 years, hurry the hell up! You're supposed to be taking me to movies, buying me dinner, and fending off assholes who attempt to break into my home! Honestly, who tries to break into an apartment when the freaking lights are on. Those burgler spidey senses should be tingling to let you know, "hey fucker, someones home, maybe I should try to steal from one of the other 2oo apartments here." Or better yet, maybe "hey, this is fucking shady and pathetic, how about I try to be a productive member of society, get off my lazy ass and find a job, and if that doesnt cut it, well how about a second job, or why not stop there and get a third!! (I have worked two jobs AND gone to school, my dad has 12, my best friends work two and go to school, so cry me a river) News flash assholes of the world, if you want to steal from people, a STUDENTS ONLY complex in the ghetto is probably not the smartest place to pick as your burgler paradise. Let me back peddle a little bit. So here I am, minding my own business, eating dinner and watching con-air (aka BAD ASSNESS) in my living room when I hear something kick the bars on my balcony, then a thud. The biatches that live above me like to annoy me whenever possible, and in their arsonal of annoyance is stomping on the floor (my ceiling) like they're in a step class, peeing off their balcony into my flower beds, throwing huge parties with ghetto ass base music that shakes my apartment, then throwing their trash, beer cans, coolers, used condoms, food, and god knows what else in my backyard, so I am used to hearing odd things from outside. Then I hear my door being slammed from the outside and the sound of someone trying to open to door. Now obviously this is not my roomate, who normally uses the front door to get in, or anyone else who would be invited, because the norm for that would be to simply knock. So survey says this is a bia who wants to A) steal from my bountifull supply of NOTHING because hello im poor as shit and this is why i live on RIVERSIDE. One of your friends already stole my chairs from my balcony, give it a rest! B) Knows someone is there (there are flower beds on my balcony so obviously females live there) and wants a little something something or C) is new to the neighborhood and wants to introduce himself. ok so I do the only thing I know, yell. I yell like I am a 7 foot tall 3oo pound bodybuilder from Hungary. I don't even remember what I yelled, knowing myself probably some obscenity. I then hear the metal bars being kicked again. I run to look out the window, and see a man climbing over the tall fence behind my apartment leading into the woods where bums like to take their siestas (i know because i have seen them and their sleeping bags) Where he was going, I dont know. Probably to round up a posse to come back and finish the job, or maybe running away to pee his pants because he was so terrified by my voice, we'll never know (until 2 tomorrow morning when he comes back)
Let me add that this occured around 8pm, when it is still bright outside. I have lived in the same apartment in ghettosville for almost two years, and sadly this isn't the first time I have been scared. Anyone who knows me know that I am a tad feisty, so I think I could put up a pretty good fight, but who wants to exert that kind of energy? I would rather leave the stupid stuff I never use in a pile in front of the door so they will just think "GOLDMINE" take it and call it a day. This is where the knight in shining armor would come in handy. Maybe a wall street broker with a townhome in manhatten, or doctor with a house on the lake, someone who would be able to rescue me from the ghetto and take me away forever, or at least use his king fu grip on shady shadsters who try to rob me. So on the supplies list for tomorrow;

1. Bear traps


2. mase


3. tazer gun


4. metal bat


5. chex mix (not a weapon, but damn its good)


6. Mexican beer (as a peace offering)

Another day, another adventure