I, Mollie Hammer, am a creeper magnet. Let me explain:
Today at work, while drowning in the sea of vday loveliness that was in the office (Im trying to be positive about it this year, instead of the bitter old hag I have been the last couple years) a certain creeper stalker that shall remain nameless came into the office, like he does every time I work (somehow he knows my work schedule) came in leaned over on the desk I was working at and said so seductively (NOT) "hey gorgeous, who's your valentine." Well, seeing as how today was a very busy day, and I was very busy WORKING, I didnt even look up from my computer and said extremely sarcastically, "well this year I literally have to fight men off with a stick, so see all these flowers, yeah, they're all for me, fellas LOVE ME." Now a normal sane person would have laughed, but not creepy mccreeperson, he shoots a jealous glare and quickly glances at all the flowers, as if he were trying to figure out names of who to chop up in a bathtub first. "Joking" I replied dryly. A flood of relief flows over his face "Oh, 'annoying hyena laugh' man mollie, you crack me up.'' I could see he wasn't getting the hint. "So what can I do for you creeper" (I didnt call him creeper fyi, im not THAT mean.) He then does what he always does, asks if we have any make believe packages for him from his make believe friends, I reply with my usual answer, no. I then noticed we are the only two people in the office, and fear immediately takes over. I am a worst case scenario kind of girl, and sometimes I feel like my life could turn into a horror movie, or one of those lifetime movies gone wrong, so all I saw were images of me tied up in his apartment, or in the trunk of his car, or worse. Now let me pump the brakes. I am a nice girl, I am nice to people, I am no snob. I don't mind if weirdos like me, I usually just take it as a compliment and accept it. (i've discovered I am a creeper magnet) But this guy takes the cake. He kept staring at me like he wanted me to say something, his unibrow moving up and down like he's seducing me, waiting for me to rip off my clothes, jump on the table and say, "CREEPER, TAKE ME NOW!'' . I then offered him some valentines treats (an event we were having today) He said, "Im looking at my treat." OK hannibal lector im not edible!! I awkwardly laugh and say, "well, I have alot to do today, better get back to work!'' Then I was saved by overly excited freshman coming in for a tour, hello wakeup call fishies, this is riverside, the GHETTO, why so excited? He looked annoyed, then curtsied like a Irish school girl, said "my lady" (yeah, he does that) and walked out. So I ask, why am I such a creeper magnet? I mean, Im a nice girl, and although im no Angelina Jolie, im not fugly either. I've got personality, so why I ask do I continually attract crazies who probably want to wear my skin as a dress. I mean, I don't think im shooting for the stars here. So here is a potential mate application check list im developing which hopefully should weed out the creeper elite.
Application to date me
(Check yes or no)
- Are you, or have you ever been a creeper?
- Do you fantasize about wearing my skin?
- Would you ever kill me?
- Would you ever kill any other man that looks at me?
- Do you have a shrine of me in your closet?
- Do you have a photoalbum of our future children
(If you checked yes to any of the above, im calling the popo's)
(If you checked no to all the above, give me a call, I would like to believe that not all sane men are extinct.) :)
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