Hello imaginary faithful readers! I know it's been an awful long time since I have graced you with el bloggage but hey, what are ya gonna do? It's been a surreal couple of months full of some of the highest highs in my life and definitely the lowest lows. What a lovely and horrific ride it has been. Well nobody likes a Debbie Downer so I guess I should start with some good news. I am officially an auntie to the most beautiful boy! Jackson Miles, I love him so. Really, I honestly didn't know I could love something so much. I have never been one of those mushy maternal ticking time bomb kind of a woman who squeals and immediately attempts to procreate every time she sees a baby. I love babies, they're the bomb.com, i'm just not in any hurry to have a clan of my own. Being an Aunt is the PERFECT scenario. You get all the love the parents get, but none of the responsibility! I play with him two days a week while my sister works, and he's really happy and super fun, then I hand him off to her when he gets cranky. BEST JOB EVER!!!
I'm also debating on whether I should regress and take a couple steps back in my twisted path to adulthood. I have decided to grow some cojones and jump back on the UT bandwagon so I can receive my Bachelors degree in the next millennium. I'm going back in the fall and now face a dilemma of epic proportion. My advisor feels that because of my decrepit old age for an undergrad he feels I should take on more so I can graduate before having to replace a hip or take a flying car to school. (As you can see I have a flair for the dramatics which is why this decision is so earth shattering to me) This means I can no longer scholastically afford to work my current 40hrs/week. I obviously do not work at a hellish call center for the fun of it, I do it because it is the best paying job without a degree or without removing any clothes. Now lowering my hours per week is possible, if I want to live of ramen and easy mac again (which I have proven in the past can be done) but it looks like my current dream come true of independence will have to be put on hold so I can complete my dream of getting my degree. My only other option would be to move back into the parentals, which is something I am soooooooooooo not looking foward to. Not because my parents suck, but because Buda sucks. Not Buda itself, the location. Anyone who commutes into Austin can tell you how utterly awful and soul shattering it is. My soul is shattered enough at work without adding a hellish commute to the mix. Also, freedom and independence is EXTREMELY important to me, I loves it. I don't care what anyone says, no matter how cool or laid back your parents are, complete freedom and independence is IMPOSSIBLE when living at home. And what if the hunka burning love of my dreams FINALLY decides to show his face AFTER I move home? I'm a pretty good actress, but I don't know how long I can keep up the "these are my roomates" charade. AWKWARD! So sadly it looks like I will become "that girl." The girl who doesn't have her shit together and lives at home with her parents well into her fourties. She is STILL single, has a short Ellen-esque haircut, wears flannel,owns 50 cats, and has an expansive bed pan collection. AWESOME. :/ Stay tuned!! :)
These past couple months have also been the hardest of my life so far. Back in December my best friend in the whole wide world received her wings and flew to Heaven. It is something I honestly never thought would happen and it ripped my heart apart. Ashley has been a friend of mine for a LONG time and we became very close after High school. She was always there for me and was the person I was most myself with. She always accepted me for who I was and loved me anyways. My friends list has definitely diminished over the years for one reason or another, but Ash was always there. I feel more alone now then ever before. It hurts so much some days it takes my breath away. That's such a dramatic thing to say but it's the truth. My heart is aching more than it ever has and I don't know how to fill the gaping hole. If this is how bad i'm hurting I can't even imagine how much her family is hurting. I am confused and angry and wish I had more faith. Faith that she is in a better place, faith that everything happens for a reason, faith that it was her time. Well, i'm selfish. Sometimes it's hard for me to think there's a better place than down here with her family and friends who love her so much. Sometimes it's hard for me to accept that the big guy had a reason to take her away so young, before she truly had a chance to live, a chance to love, a chance to star in the role she was born to play, a mom. She's the one I would normally talk to about this stuff, about everything. (Not in this super serious way, but in our typical sarcastic way, because I can never be serious about anything, and preferably in an accent) :) But she's gone, and i'm stuck in the painful silence of solitude.It's truly sad that with all the people in my life I feel I have noone to talk to. If death brings anything it brings gratitude. Gratitude for your life and everyone and everything in it. And gratitude that you were a part of their life, no matter how brief. I definitely appreciate life more and try not to let the little things get to me. I'm thankful for the life I have been given, no matter how weird it is. It also puts things in perspective. Facebook is officially the enemy again. Everything and everyone is so negative! FML (fuck my life) this and my life sucks and I hate you, blah blah blah, whine whine whine. I want to scream so loud and punch them so hard. Do they not realize how lucky they are to be breathing? Life in itself is such a precious gift and to waste it on such negativity really infuriates me. Ash never lost her smile and positive attitude, and I wish more people would follow her example. But I guess that's impossible. She was one of a kind (even though a twin to an equally awesome person) and there will never be another as awesome. I told her I loved her so many times i'm sure people thought we were lovers, but I still wish I had told her more. How much she meant to me and still means to me. How boring life is without her laugh. How much I freaking miss her. How alone I feel without her even though I know she will always be near. All in all it just plain sucks and I wish the suck fest would just pack up and leave town.
Well to end my soap box rant....................
I was watching the Oscars tonight, feeling a tad weepy, yet still professional enough to practice my Oscar speech, a creepy little Canadian waltzed on the screen and sang a jovial little tune that makes my heart go pitter patter. It really was the perfect song at the perfect time. Honestly, smiling is the best medicine for even the deepest heartaches. Add a little Nat King Cole to the mix, and well people, that's magic. So remember, when life seems to get you down and nothing is going right, simply smile, and watch the world turn bright! :)
